Life is Creepy

I found these two photos online. They're not cute. They're not adorable. They are genuinely disturbing, and these two "entertainers" should be sued for all the therapy these children will have to endure to undo their encounters with these jolly folk who truly believe they are bringing joy into these young, tender hearts. I've often wondered what the true motivation is for people to become "children's entertainers." When I see photos like this and I can't help but think of John Wayne Gacey in his clown outfit, face all painted up with a big wad of balloons in the fat, meaty hands. Ewwww.

It's kind of an allegory for the horrors we face in our daily existence. Those "helpful" folks who come into our lives and complicate them to the point of distraction -- or insanity. Some people do it in the name of religion. Some do it in the spirit of social consciousness. Most of them never really take into account what the people they're "helping" really need. They do it out of their own need to be "good," and interpret their actions as selfless. This is probably the biggest scam of all: self-righteous self-deception.

On the home front: Steve and I are doing well. Steve's still on three days a week at work, but he also has his unexpired unemployment insurance account, so his "days off" are being supplemented, which is helping a lot in making ends meet. Hopefully, within a month or two, the owners of the business will see that things are getting back to normal and they'll hire him back full time.

As for me, I have completed all the paperwork and research necessary to apply for my WIA grant. I've found a great school in Burbank with a dynamite program that's just what I'm looking for. Now I have to apply for the money and hope it comes through. If all goes well, in six or seven months I will be totally trained as an Adobe Certified Expert in Web design (a very bankable thing), with a portfolio of Web work to augment the substantial print portfolio I already have.

I wrote an obituary for Mom last week. Sister Kittie asked me to, and I was more than happy to oblige. It was a very strange experience, and it left me realizing how much I didn't know about Mom's life. There were dates missing and I'm sure there were some important episodes missing, as well. I sent a rough draft out to all the siblings, hoping they would be able to fill in whatever holes I had left. We shall see this week what comes in from them.

Back at the Times-Press-Recorder in Arroyo Grande I was informally in charge of the obituaries, so I sort of know how they should read. I did, however, try to avoid "passed away," "went to her reward" and "went to be with Jesus" in lieu of just saying "died." I think honesty is best, even if it's blunt. When the final draft is ready, perhaps I'll include it in a future blog entry.

Cousin Robin has headed back to New York to work on a new play. We got together for lunch last week at the Bowery in Hollywood and had a really good time. It's been tough for us both losing our respective mom and aunt in the last few months. I'm glad I got to see her before she took off for the Big Apple, and I'm so jealous of her for having work back there. But my place is here right now and I have things to get done to move life forward.

The one thing I can say has come out of all this death is that I've gotten back in touch with the Ballard side of the family. Beth was out for Aunt Kit's memorial and stayed at Mom's with Steve and I (and later my brother Steve and his family). She left the day before Mom died, not because she chickened out, but her ticket was for Wednesday and mom happened to hang on until Thursday. Also, Tom Ballard, who lives in Washington, is on Facebook and I've had some communication back and forth with him. He has an amazing collection of antique radios. When I was a tween, I had a crush on him, and I don't think I've ever told him that. He was like a theater superhero to me and is one of the reasons I went into professional theater back in the 1980s.

So positive things are emerging from all the death. I know that sounds course, but I'm getting far enough along in my mourning that I have a perspective about it. I know neither Mom nor Kit would want us to dwell too long on the sadness. And, let's face it, you have to get used to missing people who die. Mom's birthday was Saturday (Oct. 17), and I thought about her all day long; not in a teary way, but just missing her immensely. I think I was in my 50s before I actually knew her birth date. I always thought it was Nov. 16, for some reason. I'd call and wish her a happy birthday a month late, and she never seemed to mind. Even when I wrote the obituary, I had to double-check her birth announcement just to make sure I was right.

Goldie, the Moms' dog, is being adopted by Pete and Deb Star, family friends who will take very good care of her and love her a lot. Their son, Owen, used to come over to the Moms' and they paid him to walk her several times a week. Come to think of it, I paid him for the last week he walked her because everyone else was out of the house at the time. And, you know what? I don't even want the money back from the estate.

Right now I'm waiting for life to fall into its new pattern, one which will be emerging soon. I'm hopeful about the training grant, and I think that going back to school and focusing on new horizons will be a really good thing for me. I look at the calendar and see the holidays coming up. What a strange and different thing they will be this year. Everything's evolving forward, moving into the future. Where else can it go?