Tired of Looking Back

A year ago Steve was beginning his first round of chemotherapy treatments. He said there were no side effects, but I think he was hiding them from me. Even while he was declining and dying, he didn't want to burden me with his illness. His birthday is coming up (June 9), and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that, emotionally. The real kicker will be when our wedding anniversary rolls around in August.

You know, I'm really sick of thinking about what happened a year ago or six months ago. I'm sick of being depressed and then realizing the day marks come morbid milestone in Steve's demise. It's very difficult, to say nothing of confusing, to be mourning Steve and our life together while I'm also trying to build something significant for myself on the other end of this process.

Everything I do with the house seems to be temporary. I know there's a long list of stuff that has to get done before I can get a good price for the place: spruce up the kitchen, update the baths, paint, new lighting fixtures, new carpet upstairs. I will know more when a Realtor comes through and talks about it to me.

Kittie and Dave came down last weekend and helped finish up the office reorganization. While Kittie and I were busy with that, Dave absconded with the upstairs (good) vacuum and gave the downstairs floors a thorough going over. The upshot: I now have my work station set up at the large desk now, and I think the extra elbow room, cubby holes and storage space will help keep me more organized than I have been. And that weekend was the first time the house has been clean from top to bottom.

Some really good news: Social Security finally came through with the spouse's survivor benefits, and I got a big fat deposit of payments going back to the month Steve died. On top of that, there was a sizable refund check from one of the medical providers. Feeling flush for the first time in months, I of course began writing checks for medical bills, HOA fees, and personal loans, leaving enough for the next couple months until income streams flow a little more predictably.

Also, the deed transfer came through in the probate courts, so the house is now legally mine to sell. I haven't gotten the final paperwork in the mail, but my lawyer e-mailed a copy to me just so I'd know that closure is imminent.

I'm still in my diurnal variations, staying awake until 4 or 5 o'clock in the morning and sleeping until noon. I was feeling very bummed out about this, but then realized that it has minimal impact on my life. I simply schedule my appointments in the afternoons. Also, with the heat wave we've been experiencing, it's not really comfortable outside until 9 or 10 at night. By sleeping during the day, I cut down the time I have to run the air conditioning to only three hours a day.

Today is not so bad: the last three days have been 102 in the shade with no breezes as all. The humidity is 5% to 7%, which is why we're having all these wildfires. And in the areas where they're burning, they do have high winds, and the flames can pour down (and up) a hillside with the speed of flowing water.

Along with massive wildfires comes the unhealthful air quality. Even this far away from San Diego, the smoke gets caught by the upper-level winds and carried over the entire southern section of the state: You can smell it in the air, feel it crusting over sinus membranes, parching your airways with the mere task of breathing.

There is a moderate cool-down coming at the beginning of next week, so hopefully that will be some relief, but that will only be followed by another hot spell. This kind of weather usually waits until late June or early July to really hit. Then the heat stays around until November. That works out to seven months of summer, seven months of living in air-conditioned boxes, cars and cubicles.

Also, last week I got a call from a company that wants to hire a graphic designer to develop a monthly newsletter (and a possible brand identity redesign). The interview went really well, and I think there's a possibility that this will be a lucrative and consistent income source.

That's about it. I'm hoping this is the first weekend I can actually clean the whole house in one day and without stumbling over Steve remnants about which I then have to make decisions. There is still a good half dozen boxes that need to be wrapped up for donation. I have to make a list of the stuff, since I'll be taking it off my taxes for this year. Last year, donations were over $1700.

I realize that I am now using this blog entry as an excuse not to go downstairs and dust. I groan at the chores aspect of the activity, but look forward to the piquant smell of the wood furniture polish.

Mmmmmmm. Lemony.