It's been two weeks since I last posted an entry here. Several regular readers have commented that there has been no recent posting, and that's been because there was nothing but whiny, bitchy stuff to report in my life. (My Back Hurts. Nobody Loves Me. I Can't Find Any Worms to Eat). I hate writing posts that don't have anything to say. It just seems like reality has slowed to a crawl from about June (the remodel) onward, and the back going out was like the climax right before the end of Act I.
My back has been my major preoccupation. It improves day by day, but sitting too long in one place (like at the computer) or not moving around enough in general and things start to cramp up again. The biggest challenge now is to stretch and work through the discomfort to get to higher mobility and the return of normalcy. I guess putting the house on the market will be Act II.
I keep harping about this being psychosomatic, and perhaps I'm a little too aware of my state of mind. The last two weeks have been highs and lows, but mostly it's been about not moving forward. I am so scared of moving forward. The agoraphobia kicks in and I'm lucky if I make a phone call all day. I stay inside and work on the directory, then play computer games. And when the sun goes down, it's time to sit myself in front of the TV. I hide. I hide. When will I rise?
Jessie came up from Irvine for lunch on Saturday and she saw firsthand the situation: Moving around at first is problematic, but once movement starts, there is a point of breakthrough: kind of like a runner hitting the wall, only with walking. Then things free up and I feel good. The trick at this point is to really watch that I don't overdo it, because the muscles then cramp up and I feel like I'm back to Square 1.
So things like taking a shower or lugging the laundry up and down two flights of stairs can become the major event of the day, and often the only event of the day. Going to the store can be a daunting task but, again, once I work through the stiffness, things loosen up and I feel great. But by the time I've got the groceries back to the house, lugged up from the garage to the kitchen and put away, it's time to rest the back, 'cause it's singin'.
One big improvement has come from a suggestion that Jessie made: sleeping on my side with a pillow between my legs. One of the real irritations has been the cramping after I wake up in the morning, which is when it was at its worst. It is simply no way to start your day: As I awake, the first thing I've thought is "Will it hurt when I move?" Then I move. Then I stand and greet the recalcitrant irritation and the first cramp of the day. I'd rather look forward to going to a job I really hate; it's the same sinking feeling first thing when you wake.
Now, with this pillow scheme in place, I'm getting up in the morning with little discomfort, no cramping. I know the muscles are there, but I can get around and loosen up much quicker than before. Or maybe I'm just getting better. Either way, things are getting better.
I finally arranged to have Out of the Closet come and pick up my donations yesterday. They took everything except what I thought they would leave: the aquarium (not shiny clean), the junky stand it was on and the office chair (which has cheap and cracked vinyl leatherette on the arms). These are easily tossed into the dumpster. In any case, I've got room in the garage again, and things are looking pretty clean and uncluttered. Now there's room to move the Christmas stuff from the living room closet to the garage.
I think I'm going to have to goose the cleaning lady to remind her to come over and give me a quote for the cleanup job. She said she would call on Monday or Tuesday, and that hasn't happened, so I have to get proactive. Their services are worth the effort, though, and theirs is a home invasion that I very much look forward to; then new screens and the place is ready to show.
The chamber directory is coming together nicely, and it's time to actually solidify the layout and get moving on the nuts and bolts of putting the book together. This is when coordinating with their offices is all important. There are one or two things I'm a little worried about, but there's time to address them if I keep focus on the design.
I still haven't had drinks with Kelly from the chamber. We ostensibly had planned to get together last weekend, but her father went into the hospital, so we never hooked up. That's okay with me, because I really haven't been drinking much at all. I have the same bottle of scotch in the pantry that was there three months ago.
The major arc of the last two weeks of my life, though, has been loneliness, singularity, all-by-myself-ism. After this kooky, crazy, horrible year that I've experienced, I still haven't gotten used to not having Steve here. There should be a second person. This back could not cripple me in the same way that losing Steve has. And without that second person, things seem so difficult to accomplish.
The summer has finally broken. We get one more warmup this week, which will be in the upper 80s, but the evenings are cooling off into the 50s now, so a hot day only lasts a few hours in the afternoon. We sometimes get one last gasp of heat in early November, but that's about it. And now to find out if this is going to be a wet winter. Indications are not looking good for this, and I can't wait to get out of this desiccated mudhole of a place and start something new.
Brother-in-law Dave Vicars just called and asked when I was going to come up the coast for a visit. Vena had mentioned she wanted to visit with me. We share a vibe, she and I, both having lost spouses in the last year. She had been married to Bob forever, though. I wonder if the hollow feeling is more intense the longer you've assumed that person will be there forever and will never leave.
Looking at my calendar, I realized that there is no time because the next five weeks are going to be nothing but the directory design and putting the house on the market. And selling it, of course. But that part is something I know nothing of, so I'll leave lots of room to accommodate the process.
My ass is starting to ache. I've been sitting at this computer too long. Time to go get dinner and sit in front of the TV, deflated by the lack of entertainment on the 500 channels I now receive on cable. If it weren't for the Internet and the fact that the cable charges are included in our HOA dues, I'd cancel it and turn my attention to streaming video. I like my distractions cheap and transitory. Thank God I live in America.
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