The Ides of Presidents Day Month

I was going to give an account of last weekend on last Monday, but Monday I was really depressed. This whole week, in fact, has been one big agoraphobifest for me. A couple days I didn't even get out of my robe. Then, by the end of the week, it became clear: Not only was Friday Valentine's Day, but Thursday was four months to the day since Steve's death: kind of a one-two punch to the spiritual solar plexus.

David and Kittie stare at Jessie and Mark

So that's by way of explaining why it's taken me nearly a week to catch up everyone on the weekend. It's all kind of a blur anyway. Kittie and David showed up around 11:30 Friday evening. We spent a while visiting before everybody hit the sack.

Saturday Jessie came by around 11 and we all went to Andy's for brunch. Afterwards, Kittie helped me gather all the paperwork for my 2014 taxes, and we spent some time clearing out stuff from the bedroom and consolidating items for donation (an activity that always drains me emotionally).

Jessie and Mark stare at each other

I also have a secret to share: David goes a little nuts when he gets ahold of a cable TV remote. They still rely on broadcast TV at home simply because David swears he would never stop watching if he had all those channels to surf. When he happened on a marathon of "The Walking Dead," it played off and on most of the afternoon, although nobody was really paying much attention (well, not me).

That evening we shared a box of Valentine's chocolates I had purchased on Thursday. I was planning on keeping them until Valentine's Day (chocolate in memoriam), but it seemed wiser to break them out when there were two other people here to help consume them. So we watched a movie (something classic that Kittie had not seen) and enjoyed our early Valentine's Day candy.

My most favorite online Valentine

On Sunday Kittie put the final touches on my tax papers (God bless her for that, and my accountant here will be most thankful) and David tightened up all the bolts on the upstairs toilet, even heading out to OSH to pick up some replacement washers for the seat. As usual, they headed out around 5 p.m. I always wish they could stay just a little bit longer, but Sunday is a School Night.

In order to combat the depression (or at least appear to be surmounting my lack of inertia and motivation), I'm starting to put together a to-do list each week, taking the errands and chores that need being done and prioritizing them day by day. When the depression hits, I stay up until 5 a.m., sleep until noon, screw off on the computer until 3:30 or so, then decide it's too late to accomplish anything, reorganize the list and watch Netflix or "31 Days of Oscar" films on TCM (having been recorded on the DVR).

At present, I'm cleaning out the linen closet, and most of the stuff must have been Steve's mother's, because it's frilly or it's crocheted or it's lacy or it's gingham; I'd say the styles go from the 1930s through the early 1960s. Most of it is getting donated, but there are a couple nice table cloths I'm keeping. Stuff goes from the linen closet to the only open space (the bedroom), so things are piling up in there again. Time for another box. If the volume of junk wasn't decreasing steadily, I'd swear I was a hoarder, picking through all these strange objects.

My second most favorite online Valentine

In recapping, I made it through the monthly reminder of the 13th day, and I made it through Valentine's Day. On the news Friday evening, one woman who had lost her husband this last year commented on Valentine's Day, saying, "I told my husband, 'What will I do without you?' And he said, 'Take all the love you have for me and spread it around.'"

I totally lost it.

When everything has fallen apart (even though it doesn't look that way from without), it's important to put the pieces back together the way it makes sense to me. Perhaps that's why I made jigsaw puzzles out of Steve's photos (see entry "It Is a Puzzlement," Oct. 13, 2013).

So my veil of sadness is beginning to lift. I got out today and went on my errands and braved all the last-minute Romeos buying what dregs of candies, flowers and teddy bears holding hearts that were left at Ralph's. I got a New York steak, asparagus and a yam casserole for dinner, but didn't have the motivation to cook it. I settled on some leftover pasta.

Now, more than ever, I realize that this trip I'm taking in March is an emotional DMZ, separating the grief of a spouse's death and the loss of a future I devoutly wanted to share with him from the dreaded and much anticipated "what comes next" phase, which will commence upon my return.

For Valentine's Day, everyone online was saying, "Happy VD!" I must be showing my age, because in my youth "VD" meant venereal disease (what today we call STDs); not the sort of thing you wish your beloved. "Merry pubic lice!"

So happy belated Valentine's Day to one and all. It's a downer that Steve's not here to share it, but it also reminds me that there are lots of people out there who love me and whom I love. So I'm letting the puzzle pieces bounce and tumble however they wish; at some point I will look at their seemingly chaotic arrangement and a new perception will arise, making simple sense of them all.