Farmers Insurance is the No. 1 abuser. For nearly two years now, I get an e-mail every two or three days saying that they've reviewed my resume and think they have the perfect job for me, which is, of course, selling Farmers Insurance. Having never followed up on it, I'm not sure what that involves.
Then there are the vaguely named corporations who have a position open for funds exchange, which you can do from your home in only a few hours every day. Just receive payments from out-of-country sources and process them through a special account. I'm sure at some point they try to tap into one's information and rip off what little money an unemployed person has.
Then there's the come-on from franchise parasites: if you can't find a job, be your own boss. Some invite you to free seminars, some want you to send them your information so they can let you know what fabulous franchise opportunities are available in your area. There are never any websites associated with these folks, of course because, again, they're just trying to suck your identity and cash from you.
I haven't heard word one from any government agency about these scams, and I'm sure someone less intelligent than myself, in a moment of desperation, would probably fall for some of them. The saddest part is that they are probably working and succeeding with impunity.
I got the best one yet today, though. It read:
We have vacancy in Au-Log Inc.
Your personal information has been reviewed.
If you meet the requirements, please kindly send your respond.
Please NOTE: this position is only for US residents.
It supposedly came from a Francesca Snyder with a yahoo address of winniekennemurub416b. Why not just au-log.com? It reminds me of that credit card commercial with the bearded Russian answering the phone, "Hello, my name is Peggy."
Now, May 12 is coming up next week, which I thought was supposed to be the end of the world. I'm flying back to Wisconsin to visit my brother's family on that day, so I did some quick research, and I found that this is erroneous (thank goodness; it's a nonrefundable ticket).
Well… If you go with the quicky Mayan-calendar theory, then the end of the world is going to be Dec. 21, 2012 (at least we'll find out if Obama's going to be re-elected or not). And even though we have a Mayan calendar (or a resin replica of one) hanging in the patio, I've never been able to read it, so I just can't buy into that.
I much prefer the charismatic Christians' forecast. I've been brushing up on this at ebiblefellowship.com. I really like this site because it goes into great detail about the blindingly obvious clues that God has left for his chosen about this exact date. There's lots of scriptural quotes and lots of simple math that gets metaphysically jiggered around to come up with these dates.
First of all, some Christians are saying May 21 is the end of the world, but that's not true: May 21 is Judgment Day (quite different altogether). It's all in the math.
See, creation was in 11,013 BC, and the flood was in 4,990 BC and in Genesis 7:4 God told Noah he had seven days to finish the ark. But God was really telling sinners that they had 7,000 years to get their act together because in 2 Peter 3:8 He says that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years is as one day.
Got that? (OK, so there's 5,000 years between the two communications, but who's counting?)
So if we start at 4,990 BC and add 7,000 years (remembering there's no year 0), we come up with 2011. The rest of the math and scripture quotes are quite complicated (some might say delusional), and arrive at May 21 as Judgment Day and the rapture. This is when God will take up into heaven His "elect people," including those interred for He only knows how long. (Now that's an A-list.) The same day God will also raise the bodies of the unsaved and leave the remains scattered around all over the place; no real explanation why.
Question: Why do it on a Saturday? If He waited until Sunday, the elect would all be in church; they could even take their hot dish with them. (Are you required to bring your own table service in heaven?)
So that's this month. Still, don't worry: it's not the end of the world.
The end of the world will be on Oct. 21, after five months of horrible torment. (I'm not sure whether there's any kind of grace period in there to get saved because I was just skimming after the 50th paragraph.)
I did note that on Oct. 21, the unsaved will be destroyed, along with creation, and they will cease to exist from that point forward.
Wait a minute. What about hell? Wasn't there like eternal damnation or something? So, if you're lucky enough to make it through to the end of the world and you're not saved, it's only five months of horrible torment and then you just die, kaput?
Is it just me, or does this make no sense at all? Where's the retribution, the opportunity for the saved to smugly watch the rest of humanity suffer for all eternity (not just five months). Isn't that what Christianity is all about? Isn't that what any organized religion is about: Us versus Them? The Anointed versus the Unwashed?
I'll have to ask my brother, the Lutheran deacon, when I'm visiting. He knows lots of stuff.
One last shot I just have to share with you, which I received in an e-mail from my cousin Robin Riker. This has got to be my favorite candid shot of the week.
So often, people have asked, in whispered tones, "What's that thing on his head?" Now we know: An alien life form has been curled up on his scalp, having burrowed into his brain. It explains a lot. Now that Judgment Day is approaching, it must be awakening, getting ready to take the non-terrestrial entities off this planet and into another dimension.
Hey, I'm getting good at this!