Plodding Through the Mire

My life these days is chiseled into four facets:

1. MY DESIGN WORK: which has been exacerbated by my business e-mail going haywire. None of the ad proofs sent out in the last few weeks ever got through. While technical support is unraveling this, I'm using a temporary Gmail account. Luckily, although no e-mails go out of my website address, I do receive anything sent in, so I won't miss delivered items.

2. DEALING WITH "THE SWITCHOVER": which ultimately will eradicate Steve's existence and place his worldly obligations squarely on my shoulders: House. Utilities. Insurance. Social Security. Medical Bills. IRAs. Lots of forms and death certificates and submissions and reviews and people who never knew Steve being sorry for my loss. And the weeks between things happening.

3. KEEPING MYSELF RELATIVELY SANE: Taking Care of Mark. Making Mark Happy. Keeping Mark Engaged and Content. Unfortunately, not much can occur on this front without the labyrinth of postmortem minutiae of Item No. 2 above having been surmounted. Item No. 1 is a split-stimulus source: I really enjoy the design work but I really hate dealing with the technical crap and stressing on the deadline. I do think about taking time off and traveling to visit people I haven't seen in years. I need time and room to successfully wrap my head around what has occurred in this last year. But it won't happen just yet.

I spent six years in my Hollywood apartment, deliberately single and celibate, learning to live by myself and feel complete and content. (For the moment, we won't discuss my agoraphobic period during that time.) In 2005, I started dating again because I didn't need someone in, but wanted someone in my life. When we met, Steve had been through a similar period, and I think that's one of the reasons we melded so well. I can truly say he was the love of my life.

3a. DECIDING WHAT COMES NEXT: This is not really a separate thing yet. I seriously can't think about it in detail until Item No. 2 is fully resolved. But some imagination time has to be handed over to this subfunction, feeding some hopeful, forward-looking thoughts into the major function of this third facet.

4. EXTRICATING THE MATERIAL REMNANTS OF STEVE: It has taken me a month to clear the bedroom closet and the dresser. Clothes are the most intimate of possessions, and folding them with care and inventorying them took a lot of energy out of me. And I still have to contend with three more closets and the garage. At this rate, the physical removal of Steve's effects will coincide with the completion of Item No. 2.

Item No. 1 does have a deadline of Dec. 9. It will come together nicely, I'm sure, but getting there might be a little on the insane side. I know it was last year. Luckily, all my other clients are fine with holding off on their projects during the holiday season. I know it's upon us (it starts Oct. 31 now; let's just face it), and I'm not even sure I want to acknowledge it this year. My Christmas present will be getting the chamber directory completed and to the printer.

A bit of sad news: I lost Steve's wedding ring. I was wearing it as a pinkie ring and it slipped off (somewhere in the house, I believe) and I didn't even notice it. It wasn't in the garbage disposal, or on the patio, so it must be tucked just under something. After I clear out Steve's stuff, I'm going to have the cleaning ladies come in and go over the place; I'm hoping the ring will show up then.

So these days, I'm not just doing No. 1 or No. 2, but also No. 3 and No. 4. I focus on one until I'm frustrated or worn out, then I turn to another and work on it for a while. After a couple of hours, I just have to stop and relax. Sometimes my eyes glaze over and I have to lie down for a 45-minute nap. Then I pop awake, ready to dive into the next-most-obvious list of chores.

Without Steve here, I find watching TV a very weak distraction. I realized that when my sister came down to visit this last weekend (she was alone because her husband had to work Saturday). With someone else to watch with, TV is enjoyable, except that most of the shows tend to put me to sleep. We did get to watch the DVD of the second half of "Angels in America" (Peristroika). When she and Dave were down two weeks ago, we watched the first half (Millennium Approaches).

Even though it is the most unpleasant time of my life, I am glad to be a legally recognized widower who stayed by his husband's side until death came. And now, in mourning, the world is treating me like a person who has lost a spouse. I find a secret pleasure in being treated like everyone else because, beyond acknowledging my loss, they are also acknowledging my equality.

That's something I have worked for and waited for my entire life. Steve died knowing we are citizens.