McDoings: It is a Puzzlement

It's coming up on the 22nd hour of day zero. It literally has been the longest day of my life. I caught a half-hour nap here and a 45-minute snooze there during the day, but no real REM sleep. Two Xanax this evening to relax me and keep me asleep.

For relief and distraction, friend Jessie came over and took me out to dinner at Panda Inn (not to be confused with the fast-food atrocity known as Panda Express, although they are owned by the same corporation; go figure). We had Crab Wonton appetizers (Steve's favorite), a mango-duck salad that was quite tasty (but not enough mango or duck), and shrimp upside-down crispy noodles.

It was wonderful to get out of the house with her and talk about the crazy times working together at the "DeeJ" (Los Angeles Daily Journal) at the turn of the millennium, traveling in general, and reminiscing about taking Steve to London and Paris; the next trip was to be to Vienna and Salzburg, near his ancestral turf.

When you think about it, any kind of planning is really just an active bucket list, like our plans to retire to Eureka and live on the cool, unpopulated coastline. It was a great idea for us, but not for me alone. Someone said, "Don't make any major decisions for at least a year," and that sounds like good advice.

My sister Kittie (pictured below) told me I shouldn't be alone for a whole day, so Monday I'm going over to Robin and Evans, Tuesday Chuck and Jeff are taking me to dinner, and Wednesday Kittie herself will arrive, with her husband David showing up a day or two after (that part's still sketchy). Anyway, my week's worth of caretakers has been arranged.

The screensaver on my Mac is a "Ken Burns" slideshow (pics slowly moving across, up or down through the frame). As I walked into the studio, two or three of Steve's pictures played in a row on the monitor.

I realized that I really didn't have a group of photos of Steve or of us together. While picking some out, I started to play and uploaded them to JigZone.com.

If you're at all into jigsaw puzzles, this is a fun little website that will waste a lot of your time. I'm linking 48-piece puzzles, so as to waste only four minutes of your time, give or take.

Click on each to solve, then use your back button to return to these pics. If you want to sign up, or if you're already a member, buddy up to see all my puzzles.

I find it's a fun way to assemble all the pictures in my head of Steve, examine his visage from a new perspective, now that there's no real Steve to look at, just pictures to remind us of the clarity and playfulness and soulfulness of his eyes; how that meticulously trimmed goatee wrapped just so around his chin; a far-off gaze of sober contemplation, or just how shiny his head could get!

Thanks for all the kind words everyone has been sending and the prayers that go along with them. Steve was not a churchgoing kinda guy, and neither am I, but we shared a sense of spirituality and a deep belief in the overflowing goodness of most human beings. Church services and worship and fellowship weren't our thing, we just tried to carry that spirit in our hearts and share it with everyone, no matter how stupid, shallow, self-involved, numb-skulled and/or thick-headed they might be.

Again, Emily Dickinson will suffice:

Some keep the Sabbath going to Church –
I keep it, staying at Home –
With a Bobolink for a Chorister –
And an Orchard, for a Dome –

Some keep the Sabbath in Surplice –
I, just wear my Wings –
And instead of tolling the Bell, for Church,
Our little Sexton – sings.

God preaches, a noted Clergyman –
And the sermon is never long,
So instead of getting to Heaven, at last –
I’m going, all along.

(Remember: to get out of any puzzle page, click your back button.)